Final Paper

Sayaka Kondo


Lewis and Clark College
AES 220-01
December 9, 2006



Abstract

In this world, some couples marry and some couples divorce every day. Some people say that divorce is the worst choice because it hurts children very much. Children feel sad when they are told that their parents will soon divorce. However, what divorced parents do before and after divorce can change it in a better way. Telling children about divorce and explaining that the divorce is not children’s fault makes them feel very relieved. To let children visit non custodial parent contributes to children’s good mental health. Moreover custodial parent’s good emotion affects children in a better way, too. Divorce is not always sad and cruel to children. To argue heatedly in front of children is much more harmful than divorce. Therefore, the divorced family can be changed either in a positive way or a negative way by how the parents act before and after they decide to divorce. If parents handle a divorce care fully, children can survive it and the family can be maintained in a healthy way.

In this world, some couples decide to marry and some couples decide to divorce every day. According to Amato, a professor of sociology at the University of Nebraska, in the U.S., between two-fifth and two thirds of first marriages will end in divorce, and that means about 40% of children will experience parents’ divorce. The number of couples who divorce after first marriage is constantly increasing (1994). Divorce is considered a very sad action because many people believe that divorce is the end of the family. It is common sense that marriage should last as long as possible. However, actually divorce does not have to be the end of the family but can be the start of a new family relationship, what the parents do before and after divorce can change it in a better way for children.

Marriage dissolve for many reasons, but main causes of divorce are extra marital affairs (27%), family strains (18%), physical and mental abuse (17%), midlife crisis (13%), addiction e.g. alcoholism and gambling (6%) and workaholism (6%). The definition of divorce is “the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse”. The first recorded divorce was happened in ancient Mesopotamia in that time people had to submit the request to the people who were in charge of trials and they decided whether the couple could divorce or not. Divorce as it is known today was gradually permitted after the 10th century (Divorce, 2006). Since divorce is becoming easier, the great number of people divorce and this became one of the biggest social issues in the U.S.

Some people say that divorce is the worst choice because it hurts children very much. Children feel sad when they are told that their parents will soon divorce. Harvey, a professor of psychology at the University of Iowa, and Fine, a professor of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Missouri, found that “sixty percent of children of divorce have trouble with social relationship” and “on average, they expect failure in their lives” (2004). However, is watching parents quarrel every day better for children, or is it better to have the parents live separately? Of course, kids do not want to see parents yell at each other every single day. According to Amato, parents who argue heatedly in front of children can teach them that fighting is the solution to solve the problem and those children tend to have less opportunity to learn that there are alternative ways to solve problems. He stated that “studies show that children in high conflict intact families are no better off-and often are worse off- than children in divorced single-parent families” (1994). Therefore, if parents feel that they can no longer be together, they should divorce immediately because it is better for their children’s lives, too.

Children are naive, so if parents never talk about the reason for the divorce, most of the time, children think that they cause the parents’ separation. They feel lonely, guilty and suffer very much (Children and divorce, n.d.). They want to know why the divorce happened. Kids can understand what is going on and try to adjust to the situation. Not telling the truth can cause a gap between parents and children. Children love both of their parents very much and they will be affected by parents’ divorce at any age. In order to make the divorce even a little better for them, it is important to consider what children need and tell them that the divorce is not their fault. That will make children feel relieved. Harvey and Fine reported that “when children are provided some information on why the divorce occurred, they seem to have an easier time in later ‘forgiving’ their parents for perceived transgression and in developing a mutually satisfying parent-child relationship” (2004). Therefore, when parents and children talk about divorce together, the children’s emotion and the relationship between parents and children will be better.

Economic hardship is one of the main reasons to make divorce in a worse way for children. Especially custodial mother and children tend to have hard time managing money. According to Amato, economic hardship affects children negatively. He claims that “divorce affects children negatively to the extent that it results in economic hardship” (1994). When custodial mother con not afford text books or can not pay for school, children’s academic level will be lower. Furthermore, a parent who doesn’t have enough money tends to buy a house in a district where crime rates are high. Living under those situations is not good for children. One solution for this problem is to make a law for non custodial parent to pay certain amount of money every month so that children and custodial parent won’t have hard time living. Therefore, if government obliges non custodial parent to pay money for children and custodial parent, divorce can be a better option for both parents and children.

There are other things that parents can do for children to make the divorce better for them. Even though divorced parents are no longer living together, the non custodial parent is still biologically and consciously a parent for children. Children want to have contact with the absent parent. Children love both of the parents so that the parents should realize that and consider what in the best way for their children to relieve any mental anguish. If they are completely isolated from the parent they don’t live with, that means that children will lose an important and precious person in their lives. Rosen, (1979) cited a study showing that 69% of children would have chose visiting non custodial parent freely and she concluded that restricted access negatively affects children’s happiness (cited in Cantor and Drake, 1983). Moreover, speaking of parents who have divorced but stayed in contact with their children, “the previously distant father grows closer to his child, and the previously distracted and stressed mother becomes warmer and more attentive. Assuming no major economic problems or additional disruptive changes, the divorce would probably have a positive impact on the child” (Amato, 1994). Divorce doesn’t mean the end of family. Both the father and mother is presence in the family is essential for children, but the shape of the family doesn’t have to be father and mother always together. Consequently, if children visit their non-custodial parent, they can be convinced that they still have both parents after divorce.

After divorce, it is stressful not only for children but also divorced parents. After divorce, custodial parents tend to lose energy and to focus on themselves and their pain. Therefore, it is hard to fully realize children’s guilt pangs and hurt at that time and children are expected to deal with the situation by themselves. However, children hurt much more than the parents and they need a lot of mental care and love. In that sense, again, the children will be under tremendous stress. Moreover, the non custodial parent’s mental health is very important for children, too. Children’s emotions are very sensitive and after the divorce, they need more love than ever before. The custodial parent’s mental health affects children very much. When custodial parent is in a good emotional state after divorce, children tend to keep good mental health, too (Amato, 1994). Therefore, when the custodial parent is in a good mood, children will feel relieved and the children can perceive the divorce in a good way. The most important way to minimize emotional harm to children is to ensure that children maintain a close and secure relationship with the parent. In order to maintain mental health, there are many organizations that help people who hurt very much from divorce. Those organizations are to help not only divorced parents but also their kids and offer a counseling to relieve the stress. For example Canadian Mental Health Association claims that “how you choose to handle a separation is very important because of the effect it will have on the rest of your life. If you do not deal with the pain, and if you allow yourself to become bitter, you will be unhappy for a long time” and gives information not only about how to deal with children but also how to maintain divorced parents’ mental health (n.d.).

Generally speaking, divorce is considered to be sad and to have a bad effect on children. However, telling children about divorce and explaining that the divorce is not the children’s fault makes them feel very relieved. To let children visit the non custodial parent contributes to children’s good mental health. Moreover custodial parent’s good emotion affects children in better way, too. Divorce is not always sad and cruel for children. To argue heatedly in front of children is much more harmful than divorce. Harvey and Fine concluded, through listening to the voices of people who experienced divorce, that

“many have adapted, and well. Many have gained maturity beyond their years. All have grieved. Many have used their grief in positive ways in developing their own perspective about their parents, the contingencies of living, and in beginning their own careers of close romantic relationships. Many have learned that parents who are just hanging onto relationships for the family’s sake was not a compelling rationale for living, and family was better off when the formal union was ended- leading to new arrangements that turned out to be less strife ridden and more constructive for the adults and children involved. Many have found their own evidence for Ahrons’s (1994) argument that, indeed there can be ‘good divorces’ that leave the humans involved intact and growing” (1994).

Therefore, the divorced family can be changed either in a positive way or a negative way by how the parents act before and after they decide to divorce.





References

Amato, P.R. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents’ divorce. Children and divorce. Retrieved November 20, 2006, from http://www.futureofchildren.org/usr_doc/vol4no1ART9.pdf

Canadian mental health association. (n.d). Separation and divorce. Retrieved December 14, 2006, from http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=2-70-72

Cantor, D.W., & Drake E.A. (1983). Divorced parents and their children: a guide for mental health professionals. New York: Springer Publishing Company.

Children and divorce (n.d.). Divorcesource.com. Retrieved December 6, 2006, from http://www.divorcesource.com/info/children/telling.shtml.

Civil law. (2006). In Encyclopedia Britanica. Retrieved November 10, 2006, from.

Divorce. (2006). In Wikipedia the free encyclopedia. Retrieved December 6, 2006, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/divorce.

Fine, M.A., & Harvey, J.H. (2004). Children and divorce: stories of loss and growth. Mahwah: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Happy Thanksgiving

In the United States, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November, so November 23rd was the day. Generally speaking, on that day, all the family members gather together and eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, Indian corn, vegetables and pumpkin pie. (Wikipedia)

On that day, I was invited to the friendship family's home. The house was really big and there were 12 people in the house. My friendship family is 5 people and 4 people are in the mother's sister's family and a grandfather and his sister. At the door, the grandfather hugged all the family members, and at last he hugged me tightly and said "Welcome to our home, Sayaka!" I was so surprised but very happy at the same time because I was treated as same as one of the family members. At the kitchen, I saw a really big turkey cooked in an oven. The grandfather cut the turkey and he said that cutting the turkey is his job every year because he is the oldest. We had turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes and bread. Before eating we held hands with each other and prayed for the God. I am not a Christian so that was my first time experiencing the pray. The food was really good and I enjoyed very much. After eating we had cakes and pumpkin cookies. Before going back to my dorm, the mother packed me leftovers so that I can eat in my dorm.

When I came back to my dorm and opened my schedule book, I was surprised becuase on the same day, Japan was labor thanksgiving day. So I looked up Wikipedia and found that the labor thanksgiving day is related to that of the U.S. I didn't know that the national holiday in Japan is related to American holiday. However, Japanese do nothing on that day. So I thought t hat Japanese should eat turkey and meet all the family members on that day as American Thanksgiving day. If it happened, that would be so much fun and bond between the family members would be much stronger.

Divorce

Happy Divorce

In this world, some couples marry and some couples divorce every day. I know that half of the married couples divorce in the United States and that is the world’s highest percentage. Recently, the number of couples who divorce after marriage is increasing, not only in America, but also in Japan. My parents divorced when I was in second grade. At that time there were few couples who decided to divorce, so my family was considered rare and I was pitied because I did not have a father and my mother worked every day. However, I actually did not feel sad or lonely because my mother loved me very much and I was allowed to see my father any time I wanted to, so I do not think divorce always affects children in a negative way. Whether a divorced family will be happy or not depends on how parents act both before and after the divorce.
Some people say that if you have children you should not divorce because it hurts them very much. I understand that children feel sad when they are told that their parents will soon divorce. But, wait a minute. Is watching parents quarrel every day better for children, or is it better to have the parents live separately? Of course, kids do not want to see parents yell at each other every single day. Therefore, I think if parents feel that they can no longer get along together, they should divorce immediately because it is better for their children’s lives too.
The parents can change children’s feelings toward divorce. To make a divorce better for children, there are two things that the parents need to do. First, both parents should tell their children about divorce at the same time. This is important because if only one parent tells the children, they may have a negative image about the other parent. For example, if a father tells his kids about divorce, he can say that it was the mother’s fault because she was selfish, and that he never wanted to divorce. Then the children would have a bad image of their mother. This situation must be avoided in order for children to understand their parents’ motive for separating.
Another thing, parents have to remember is that divorce is not the children’s fault but their own fault. Moreover, they must make sure that children continue to love both parents and feel secure. What divorcing parents have to do is allow their children to meet other children whose parents do not live together. This shows the children that there are not strange or different. Parents also should share visitation rights. Then children can meet both parents and never feel sad. Also, both of the parents have to tell their kids that they still love them.
The reason why I think the parents can make children’s life better after divorce is because my parents did very well and I still have a happy life now. My parents had arguments and I heard my mother cry every single night. I kind of knew that they would divorce in the near future. As I expected, one day I sat down at the table with my parents and they told me that they would divorce. First, I thought that I would not be able to see my father again; however, they said that I had the right to visit my father’s house every weekend. Later he remarried and had two kids, and my mother also remarried. Ultimately, I became very busy so it became difficult to visit him every weekend. However, I still visit my father whenever I want. So, even though my parents divorced, I have never felt lonely for them in those 20 years.
Generally speaking, divorce is considered to be sad and to have a bad effect on children. However, the situation can be changed in either a positive way or a negative way by how the parents tell their children the news and how they act after they decide to divorce. Two methods to make divorce a more positive experience for the children are to tell them about divorce at the same time and also tell children that the divorce was not the children’s fault but the parents’ choice so that children can visit their parents whenever they want. Due to my experience, I think those methods change children’s feelings about divorce for the better. Finally, divorcing parents should tell the children that divorce does not mean that parents do not care for their children; instead, they still love their children even though they live separately. Then children will not feel sad and divorce will be positive for all the family members. This is why I say divorce sometimes makes the family happy if parents make wise decisions.

Clean Up Your Room!

Have you ever shared a room with someone before? I haven't. I had lived with my parents for 19 years until I came to Lewis & Clark. So this was my first time living far away from my parents. So, I was so excited to get a roommate and live together but at the same time I was nervous about that. My parents were worrying about me sharing room with someone, because my room was always messy in Japan.

Of course I like my room cleaned and I tried hard to keep my room clean at first. However, as you know, I am a lazy girl. So my room was getting messier and messier. Actually sometimes I can't study at my desk so that I have to go to the library to do my homework.

My roommate is really nice. Her lifestyle is very similar to that of mine and we are both lazy girls. We both go to bed late at night or early in the morning, we spend a lot of time chatting and playing with computer rather than doing homework. Her side of room was so clean at first but has become messier. Her side is better than mine.

My room is messy but not always. I sometimes clean up my room when I feel to do that. But I can't keep it still. I found it interesting that when I feel stress on my daily life my room tends to be messy. On the other hand, when I feel happy or relieved, I clean up my room. So the situation of my room reflects how I feel.

But today I changed my mind. I cleaned my desk. Not my room but the desk. I was still lazy to clean up all the things lying on by bed. But I thought cleaning up my messy desk was a big step toward a clean lover. Or you can say because my roommate started cleaning up, I felt I should do mine too. Anyways, I cleaned up a little space of my room and I felt refreshed.

But I am sure that my clean desk will be filled up with my stuffs within 3 days....

Happy Divorce?

When you see the title, did you think that I will write about divorce seriously like an argument essay which we are working on in our writing class? No way! I just wanted to say that I am the happiest girl around the world! Do you know why? Any guesses?

Well, let's begin my story...

When I was a little kid, my parents always quarreled and I could hear my mother crying in her room every night. Every day, as soon as I heard the voice of my father shouting, I ran to my room upstairs, closed the door and pretended I was not listening. However since my father has a really low and big voice, I could hear every single words that he said. Oh, I have to tell you that even though they couldn't get along with each other well, they were very nice people and they both loved me very much.

Since I listened to my parents argued every single day, I kind of knew that they would divorce sooner or later. I was in the second grade of elementary school at that time. Can you believe that? 7 year-old girl knew the term divorce and its meaning! I still don't know why I knew the term and I was ready to hear that from my parents any time. In a cense, maybe I was a matured kid at that time.

Even though I was ready to hear about it, I didn't want to loose neither my father nor my mother. In Japan, if a couple divorce, children have to live either side of the parents and can't visit the other side of the parents. So I was scared when they told me to sit down at the table and listened to their story one day.

I first expected that I would live with my mother in the same house and father would leave. The reason was because, I just liked my mother better, the house was so big and comfortable and there was a little cute dog. I didn't want to say bye to my sweet dog, too. So that was my scenario. However what parents said to me was completely different. They told me that they would divorce -I knew that!!- and I would live with my mother but not the same house. So I had to say good bye to my sweet dog and my father. So far, the story is getting sad, but this is not the end of story.

Even though I moved to another place with my mother, I was allowed to visit my father's home anytime that I want. Since I loved my father, or to meet my sweet daggy, I visited him every single weekend. He always welcomed me and I thought that even though I am not living with him, he is still my only father.


After a few years, my father remarried. My mother remarried, too. However I still visited him whenever I want and both father and my step mother treated me as a real child. Then I got a half brother and a half sister. They are so cute and they call me "my sister Sayaka". Now I am so busy and it's hard to visit him every weekend. But I still visit him once a month or two.

Some people say that the divorce makes children unhappy. But I think that would be changed by how the parents did to children after divorce. Every time people ask me about my family, I say, "Oh, my parents divorced so I have TWO families! Don't you think this is wonderful?"

This is the end of story... Now you know the reason why I am the happiest lady around the world!

SHOWSTOPPERS

On 26 October, a music concert called James W. Rogers Concert was held. Some of the music classes at Lewis & Clark College performed in the concert. It was just an hour concert but many people came and saw it. Since I am in a choir, I sang songs in the concert, too. I was so nervous and my feet were shivering when I sung in front of people, but at the same time I could enjoy.

In order to take the choir class called Capella Nova, I had to take audition. Even though I really like singing songs, actually I can't read musical notes and I've never sung in choir before. However, when the instructor asked me about whether I was in choir or not, I just said "Yes." and he believed me. And he didn't ask me whether I can read notes or not. His major was world music and he is interested in Japanese songs. So he asked me to sing Minyo, a Japanese folk song, instead of singing other English songs. He was so excited after I sang my favorite piece so that he forgot to ask very important thing to me, I think. But that was so lucky to me!! And the facts that I was not in the choir before and can't read notes are top secret in the class.

Most of the students in the class are music majors or participated in choirs before. So they are all very good at singing. So I think I am the only person who is beginner of singing. So I have hard time practicing in the class. The all the things that the instructor says and students say sound gibberish to me. However, the instructor always takes care of me after class and talked to me when I have trouble. So I feel comfortable in the class and I am doing ok in the class. To tell the truth, the hardest part is to remember lyrics in English. Even though I don't have much knowledge about music, I love singing songs! I feel happy and relaxed when I sing. So Capella Nova is my favorite class at Lewis & Clark!!

Happy Eid!!

On Monday, Ramadan ended. Ramadan is Islamic culture that people can not eat, drink and smoke during daytimes. They had to do this for a month. I think this is very hard, even if people are accustomed to it. So Yesterday at Bon, we cerebrated the end of Ramadan and had Islamic food. I've never tasted Islamic food, but I really liked it.

This is my first time meeting people from Saudi Arabia. Since I don't know much about their culture, I want too know more about it. Fortunately, now I have many nice Saudi Arabian friends at Lewis & Clark, I can learn a lot from them.

In my class, some are came from Japan, others from Saudi Arabia, and one from China. So we have different cultural background. I think it is wonderful that even though we have different culture and different view of seeing things, we still be nice friends.

During my stay in Lewis & Clark, I would like to cherish new friends who came from different countries, learn their culture and understand their culture.